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Where is the happiness, where is the love, where is the caring, where is the support, where is the attention where is the words, where is the calls, where is the everything that I had 3 years and 2 months ago...I really missed him so much, but my ego always put me down. This is the 6 times I had a break with my boyfriend. And he never find me. Always me the one looking for him, seems I'm the bitch. He know what I want but he can't make me happy anymore.It's really hurt and painful when you had tried gave everything to someone, when the other hand not really care about you anymore. Thinking of him keep waiting of him to call me of find me.I dress up nicer, try to be cheers day by days but nothing happen. Some people said he had another girl, but inside my hearth telling myself maybe he is busy.I know he is not this kind of guy, that why I love him. But now all changed, The beautiful moments always happen at the beginning. But now no more the good treatment after he bored or get what he wants.
Today is my second time to come for internship. Compare than last week, which I had a tiring and boring day. Because I had nothing to do, such a useless. But this week I tried to do something that I never do. It's perhaps simple and some people have done it before. But I had that imagination in one minute after I asked myself what I want to do.. I think I did a great job..
Today I saw my boyfriend was sad. He is worry about his parents. I don't know what to do. I feel sad too. I want to cry, but I must strong for him. What I must to do is to understand him more and giving him more space to figure out what suppose to do.While having dinner together with him and my friend. I started worried about his mood. I know how much he need my support. I told my friend I have to go with him. We walked and sat in the park. That was windy and the sky getting darker. I was hugging him and hoping that he can feel my support. I let him to talk in my silents. I know that he need to let it out. He is not a person that tell his feeling that often. While he said it out means he really don't know what to do. I really hope that I can help him...
I have never this hardworking in this year. I was gave up with my passionate and future around 2 years ago. But, in this whole week, I was reading and researching for how to create my own website. As people said, if you are want be happy, you have to be suffer first. However, I don't think it is necessary.I don't feel suffer with what I am doing. Even though, Dreamweaver is not that complicate. But, I still don't know how to put my background image into my website front page hosting.
CSS and HTML are 2 things that I had ignored from I took design as my major. Because, it is too complicated. I always had big headache when looking at them. But, somehow, right now I am willing to learn.
I must hard working to finish my website. No one can help me, I need to find out myself. But, I do have Google Search. I love search video manual. It is cool. I am learning from it. It helped me a lot.
What the title word means to you? It means lot to me. Because I need to do some changes. What I choose is working as hard as I can do. To make my life better.
There is another word that suppose I say it first. "No one will help you, if you are not help yourself first". I am trying to help myself. To wake up and make my dreams come true.
Today, I told my boyfriend. I said I wanna be a great graphic designer and there are lots of plan inside my brain. And I wanna do them. First of all, I wanna create my website, and learn how to do a website, then continue study. Maybe I want move house and create my own business.
He told me I am aggressive, and I love that word.
Last night I watched this movie. It's my second tome to see this movie. It's a great movie. Basically, It's about something that happen in America with some people with different colour skin or blood. They are fighting for they own freedom and right. But the other story that I get is. You have to fight with you dream and proof to the people that you can do it. Even though those people are not happy about it. It means they are not right for you.This lady who inside the story, was trying her best to become a good teacher. Eventuality, she is really scare with the situation of her students, she practically move he butt to earn more money to get more money. The money that she earn to use for her student to met people that understand what happen in the past. The different skin colour and blood doesn't mean to kill each other. But it just a human right.
But anyway, her husband left him just because she has not time to spend with him. While she always ask him to join her, but he always rejected it. He just can't be happy for her as a great teacher who succeed educated her students. I am thinking about the fight that I had with my boyfriend last week. I thought he is just a selfish guy who always control everything. When he wanna meet, where he wanna eat, when he wanna kiss or what ever we are done. I felt sad, but now, I feel how selfish I am. My boyfriend is busy with his thinking to see his future to become a graphic designer. And I am just a stupid girl that can't understand that.
I always thought he always want me to understand him. I do understand him, I know he is busy working, I never complain. Or even it make him really tired. I am independent girl. But it just not enough.
Today I am confuse. I confused about something that my family and my boyfriend said to me. they said "everything is about you". I never realize that I was a mean girl. I never thought that I never care about other. And I keep telling people about myself. I just feel like a slap in the face, because they are my closest people in my life.After some argument with them, I am wondering. I am doing the right thing or not. Am I still unconsciously doing the mean things. I mean keep talking about myself. I am confuse.
I am working as graphic designer in Sydney. My job is to design some website layouts, put some articles inside the website, fix the website programs articles problems, and create advertising box inside the website and many more.I never do any website design until 2 months ago. At beginning it make me really nerves and feel stupid. But I am willing to learn. But finally, with the situation that my company's having. I am not having any salary and the worst, I don't have anyone to teach me how to do this and that. However, I have to fix lots lots of problems by myself. No one to ask or even my boss do not know how. It felt like hell.When first time I saw html. I had headache even though I tried for the whole 1 week and still can't soft the problems. Anyway, time by time, I am solving lot of problems that my company has. I feel happy and I proud of myself. Maybe my position is not the best like others as successful and have big money. But I do try my best to become the best. Keep "kampate" work hard to the future...
Negative words are damn... depressing...Today I stayed at home. As I promised to myself last night. I will draw an illustration of myself. And I finished it. It's been long time not doing any drawing.Additionally, today I put my emotion to this photo. They are some words that I draw. Negative words that I have. Such as, confused, anger, upset, motivation, and etc.I put myself with lots of food to full fill my emotion, when the other hand I am upset with myself. Because I will gain 2 kg tomorrow. GAAAAA.......
Today something silly happen to me. I was wearing my new black t-shirt that I bought last week. It is big and long until my knee. And I wore with my black legging. But, when I tried my heels, I feel better wear stocking. So, I changed it in rush because I am late to work. When I reached train station, a young Chinese lady told me that my dress was slipped inside my stocking. That is the first embarrassing moment. I tried to fix the skirt straight away. However, when inside the train, I feel weird with my cloths. I feel the back still showing up. So I check it. The t-shirt actually have a motive with the pattern that showing my butt.I felt so shock, even though I am late. I went for a boutique with only $20 in my wallet. Luckily I found a match dress to suit inside the t-shirt. But I am late 30 minutes.Such an embarrassing moment in my life, my heart felt so fast. It was a shocking.Anyway, today I felt like crap. I get scold from my boss without any reason, because he had a bad mood. And then, I had buffet lunch with my boyfriend with silent. It just unusual for me. Couple days ago we had a big fight on the phone and we have not meet each other until today.But I am trying to cheer myself up. I talked to my family, had dinner together and watched television together.
My today imagination picture is an illustration of a girl with black t-shirt with her back showing her butt. It is just a silly me. I will draw it tomorrow and I will give it a title as " Embarrassed on air".
Last night I watched Hannah Montana Movie for the second time. I really love this song. It woke me up. Woke me up to be strong. Lot things in my head. And I do not know how to make them right...
But today story will be such a wake up song...
I will wake up and fight to finish my missions...
It's a climb by Hannah Montana...I can almost see it That dream I'm dreaming but There's a voice inside my head sayin, You'll never reach it, Every step I'm taking, Every move I make feels Lost with no direction My faith is shaking but I Got to keep trying Got to keep my head held high There's always going to be another mountain I'm always going to want to make it move Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose, Ain't about how fast I get there, Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb The struggles I'm facing, The chances I'm taking Sometimes might knock me down but No I'm not breaking I may not know it But these are the moments that I'm going to remember most yeah Just got to keep going And I, I got to be strong Just keep pushing on, cause There's always going to be another mountain I'm always going to want to make it move Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes I'm gonna to have to lose, Ain't about how fast I get there, Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb (yeah) There's always going to be another mountain I'm always going to want to make it move Always going to be an uphill battle, Sometimes you going to have to lose, Ain't about how fast I get there, Ain't about what's waiting on the other side It's the climb (yeah yeah ea ea) Keep on moving Keep climbing Keep the faith baby It's all about It's all about The climb Keep the faith Keep your faith Whoa a oh
Today I did have a really good rest. However, I still tough my mom study English and helping my cousin create his power point presentation for his school. I ate lots of food without fear of getting fat. This morning, I postpone all the things that I suppose to do, such as apply some new jobs, to call my agent about my EILTS result and the IELTS office at Canberra. until 3 p.m and I went for a shower, to refresh myself.Actually I am giving myself another excuses to being lazy. And after bath with the cold water, somehow it refresh my brain to keep moving on. I know that I supposedly fighting and proof to the world and my family that I can be the best with my hard work.Today imagination diary is a big fat pig who is lazy under the pillow and snoring. It is just such irresponsible to itself. And I am telling myself I don;t wanna be like that. I will picture myself in the better way in the future. I am just an excuses person.
Last night, I watched "Julie and Julia" movie with my boyfriend. It is based on two true stories about a young women who admired Julie as a cooked master. The young Julie started her passionate to finish a blog for 365 days with 241 recipes to cook and write her experiments inside her blog. By her husband who helped her to created the blog and supported her, she succeed got the attentions from the reporters. After the movie, my boyfriend told me about how blog is actually working. He told me I am lack of passionate and not enough motivation as a graphic designer. When I am working as a graphc designer. However, I don't have anyone I admire. For example, Julia has Julie and my boyfriend has his Gibli Cartoon actor. So, I decide to follow Julia road. I am creating my own blog to find a person who I will admire.In the other hand, beginning of this year, I have a plan to create graphic diary. It means a diary that I will put into drawing. So, I will upload some of images inside my brain each day.
